EGO AND INTIMACY

I came across an article on ‘The role of ego in intimacy’ in the health column of one of the national dailies. I read with some skepticism yet giving it serious consideration.

The writer maintained that ‘a woman demeaning and undermining her husband, kills his ego, which in turn kills his erection, which ‘dies forever’’ since ego and intimacy are linked. That when a man feels good about himself, other things will feel good and respond accordingly.  When he does not feel good about himself, things do not work, not just intimacy.

As far as I know, this is a general response for both men and women. When you do not feel good, you are not at your best and responses can be sluggish. Therefore, to hold nagging women responsible for erectile dysfunction is going a bit too far!

This claim must be of concern. A discordant relationship, as straining as it can be, even in the bedroom, is by no means the sole culprit of erectile dysfunction.  While there can be a link between ego and intimacy, consistent erectile dysfunction goes beyond nagging and discord. Other factors such as external stress, illness, alcoholism, masturbation, pornography, infidelity, guilt, pre-occupation with size, including medical are all contributing factors.

Besides, knowing how some men are, generally prone to self-demeaning and undermining ‘activities’ full of philandering, carousing, absconding from responsibilities and juvenile behaviour; that causes the wife undue stress, skewing the nature of the relationship, instead of being a wife , she has to assume a ‘policing’ role. When dealing with such a reality, respecting and loving the husband is continually impeded by these egotistical and selfish behaviours. It becomes practically impossible for a woman not to become ‘a nag’ in dealing with such ill-mannered and insensitive husbands.  A purring sex kitten will definitely morph into a roaring ‘fierce lioness’.

Let’s understand that erectile dysfunction is a medical condition; and while we can negatively (and positively) affect each other’s sexual responsiveness, a nagging woman should not have to bear that burden. Because, in reality it means that she cannot be free to express her feelings and concerns, when she calls him out on his behaviour then his ego is bruised and erection goes. What is a woman to do?

If this is such a sensitive matter to men, then, mustn’t they avoid doing things that will result in bruised egos and diminishing erections?

Actions and consequences go together, no one behaving badly can expect a pat on the back, and you will get what is coming. A selfish, egotistical man can expect matching responses to his folly. (Unless the woman is virtuous, a man living such a provocative lifestyle will adversely affect his relationship with his wife.

So rather than suggest that women “are a critical causative factor in their husband’s ability to have a successful erection”, and leave it at that; it must go farther to emphasize that, men must understand in no uncertain terms that:

  1. They are solely responsibility for their decisions, actions and choices and will face up to the consequences.
  2. Their performance in the bedroom lies with them. Responsibility must lie squarely where it belongs.
  3. Couples want an active and satisfying sex life, but if the husband behaves in a manner that hinders this; then satisfaction in the bedroom will be elusive to both.
  4. Though we are called to respect each other that wives yield to their husbands; as husbands love their wives. Respect however, in reality is earned not given. A man who is dishonouring his wife, his family and home and engages in destructive behaviours cannot, as a matter of course expect admiration. Just as no sane woman would disrespect, demean or undermine her husband for the heck of it. A wise woman would want to build, i.e. maintain the peace of her home; even if there were reasons to do otherwise.

I do believe that women acknowledge that men have fragile egos that require reassuring every so often  and they do make some allowances for them; but, it seems men do not really recognise how the complexly their egos are tied to their essence, who they are and  how they perceive and relate self. If they did; they would be more inclined to behave in ‘a more gentleman like manner’; sparing themselves the humiliation of an erectile dysfunction.

 

Respect not worthy of respect how then can he be respected

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epiphany

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